I'm not sure if there's some kind of knowledge I need to have before I begin reading a BL book, but I had a very hard time with the chapter. Most of it it likely due to the grammatical errors (tense especially), but I also had a hard time relating to the people due to my lack of knowledge of what they actually do.

I'm guessing most of that will be fixed in the next draft, if at all (I'm not really the target audience anyway).

Here are some criticisms. Don't take them at face value, because like jmpatter, I am no english major.



In my mind, the skimmer would be the one doing the cutting, but it sounds like the "slashing ruts and swirling trails" are doing the cutting. I feel you can easily start with "the skimmer" and describe what it is doing, rather than start with the results of what it did, followed by what it is, followed by what it is doing. It's just confusing is all.



"auto navigator" doesn't flow well, and can be better said with "navigational system" or a hyphen.

Also, with so many usages of past tense, you've made it seem like the auto-navigator already did its job, so the next few sentences are confusing. I'd rewrite it without so much emphasis on tense.

With that said, I feel this sentence can be combined with the next sentence to create a more fluid flow of information and allow the reader to more easily combined the idea of a navigational system with what it did to save the skimmer from danger. People generally know what an "auto-navigator" does through simple common sense, so I don't think it needs explanation at all.



"looming spire" implies danger, yes, but it doesn't give the impression that the danger is as imminent as you want it to be.

I also think having two dangers (other skimmer and spire) together muddles the situation a bit and requires a lot more explanation. I can picture what you've described in my mind, but it takes some effort which breaks immersion.



This is where I lost track of which skimmer was which. I no longer have any connection to the skimmer you started with because both disappeared into the clouds leaving nothing to identify them. I feel betrayed and left behind!


Yeah, I'm an incredibly harsh critic, so take it all with a grain of salt. An editor or a few read-throughs would wipe out any grammar, punctuation and spelling errors, and you've already said you'll be adding and changing things, so at this point the plot matters more than the little things like these.

Best of luck!

Thx for the input Gosh. I love criticism. If I'm going to put out a quality product.. the more the better. Knowledge of the lore is critical... thx for reminding me to put more explanations within it. It is the first Chapter and needs to be understood by all readers.

I think a certain amount of explanation is great, but make it subtle. I have a hard time reading books that feel like they're sitting me down to explain something I'll understand later anyway. Most of the people interested in reading fiction are smart enough to understand complex ideas because they are patient enough to realize they'll "get it" later on.

So I wouldn't suggest adding much more explanation, other than perhaps simple dialog additions such as [guy says something], as is customary for [rank]. In other words, you'd be implying a certain amount of authority over a simple grunt by how the simple grunt acts around the higher ranked individual or squad. Kind of like how Imperial Guard act around Titus in Space Marine. You've already done this to an extent, but I felt the need to bring it up because of how important it is. Implications are practically like throwing knowledge at people, without making it seem like you're trying to teach them.


There was also something else that was bugging me, but I didn't feel like I should bring it up because it would probably go away via editing:

"The auto navigator ensured the skimmer both stayed on course and avoided collision with anything along its route. As if to demonstrate this, the skimmer banked hard to avoid a looming spire of communications antenna and repeaters. Another skimmer appeared through the thick clouds and both craft twisted flight paths to avoid each other."

What was bugging me was the "as if to demonstrate this" part. "As if" implies uncertainty, which also implies there is a human element. The actual characters aren't introduced until later, so you're almost breaking the fourth wall by including the reader or yourself in the happenings of the story. There is no question as to whether or not the skimmer was demonstrating it, so who is uncertain? "As if" should be used in rare situations where the character is in a sort of existential moment, reflecting on some inner wish or desire. Gosh briefly wondered how long they'd be stuck in this god forsaken hell hole, and as if by answer, a crackling voice announced their arrival. That's terrible without the context of being close to the character's thoughts, and it would need to be expanded quite a bit to make it sound less-than-cheesy, but it gets the point across.


Do you have an editor or someone who is willing to read it? I'm not volunteering; just curious.

My writing style is a little metaphoric at times. I wrote alot of poetry in school. My intended use of "as if" and the method I used in that sequence was in an attempt to put the reader in the action. I want the reader to be in the vortex of swirling mist as the speeders zip past each other. In an essence, the first speeder is almost a character. But, I'll take it apart a few more times and it'll get put back together right. Just keep in mind, although I'm writing this book for an audience, I'm not necessarilly going to be your favorite writer. I think my writing will appeal more to those not consumed in exact grammar. Don't misinterpret me, grammar is never to be taken lightly and is fundamental. But, when I'm trying to come off as creative and not rigid... grammar takes a back seat to impact. The broader audience will be more influenced thus.

I can respect that. Any writer who tries to appeal to everyone is either going to fail, or create a story without enough depth to mean anything. I'm clearly no connoisseur of 40k fiction either, so it would be stupid to use me as a gauge for actual story (which is why I didn't go into that).

If nobody bent the rules of their language, we'd still be talking like the ignorant savages of the midievil times. Of course, they'd consider us savages the moment some kid told them to "stfu looser."

I'm glad you disregarded (at least partially) my last post anyway; it was more for me than for you. Things like that don't stick with me while reading a book, but when I'm purposefully trying to pick everything apart, the smallest thing has to be puzzled out.